My Thirty Minute Phone Call From Mitch McConnell!

Last night, just as I was falling off to sleep, my telephone rang and I answered. To my ecstatic surprise, it was Mitch McConnell in the flesh, so to speak, since so many million Americans have begun to doubt his existence. I spat, sputtered, regained control of my rapidly beating heart and finally responded, "Mr. Senator, thank you very much for calling me! I'm surprised you remember me since it has been so many years since we last spoke." Mitch rejoined, "Not remember you??? How could I not remember you? We ate pinto beans together at the old Rock House Restaurant at the mouth of Slone Fork between Hindman and Mousie in the summer of 1968 when we were both just young whipper snappers. You were sixteen years old and fresh out of high school at that wonderful old Knott County High School at Pippa Passes on Caney Creek, what an institution! I was a young, wet behind the ears attorney, just twenty-six years young, just graduated from law school the year before, working for Marlowe Cook in his run for the US Senate seat as his college coordinator with all the colleges in the state. We were desperate for every vote we could find so he sent me to see you in Knott County because you were enrolled in Alice Lloyd College after a wonderful academic summer or two in Upward Bound, that reprehensible program which had been such a waste of federal money by Democrats." I was thunderstruck to say the least but I tried to speak, to ask what he could possibly need from me now almost 60 years after that fortuitous bowl of pinto beans. I tried to speak, to question why it was his idea to call me now. "You and that bowl of pinto beans changed my life forever. You actually agreed to be the campus student chair for Marlowe Cook and Richard Nixon, God bless their sainted souls! You worked that job so hard, called me once a week at my office in Louisville and repeatedly told me the truth, that there were no Republican votes on Caney Creek. You taught me how to face the truth with that kind of honesty. You set me on the path to great power, motivated me to become a powerful United States Senator and Senate Majority Leader for a record stretch. I'll never forget you or that wonderful bowl of pinto beans." I said,"Sir, I'm afraid that you have more important calls to make than this one. I hope you don't intend to waste twenty minutes of your valuable time with me as you have with so many of your Republican colleagues! To my utter surprise, Mitch then said with a sly chuckle, "Waste twenty minutes? Oh no, this won't be a waste, and I'm going to give you a full half hour unlike the others. Just relax and listen as I tell you my plans." I agreed to sit quietly and listen as the half hour flew by, or actually just twenty-eight minutes of it. I can't divulge what plans Mitch told me about but they were fantastic, exhilirating, stupendous, supercalifragilisticexpealidoscious, but he swore me to secrecy. Then just as my bedside clock showed the call to have been going on for twenty-seven minutes, I heard a stentorian but heavenly voice in the background of Mitch's call. "Mitch, it's time. Let's go, please!" I heard Mitch respond, "Peter? Saint Peter, NO, it can't be. I have so much to do. I was just telling Roger Hicks how much I have planned from now until the end of my term...". Then,to my utter consternation, the line went dead...and, I suspect, the line did not go dead alone.

Amazing Press Conference From The White House!

Just a few hours ago in the White House briefing room, the most amazing press conference in the history of the world took place. The White House press secretary released a surprising and exhilirating list of new developments from the ever expanding and limitless brain of "the stable genius" Donald Trump. After a discussion of how the American bombing of three Iranian nuclear development sites had made more progress toward lasting peace for the entire foreseeable history of the world than any other leader ever made, the press secretary stated that this action is guaranteed to be the final action necessary to guarantee that Donald Trump will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. She added that this "peaceful bombing" will be followed by the agreement from Ukrainian President Zelensky that he has realized he "should not continue his war of aggression against Russia and will reccomend that the Ukrainian parlaiment offer a peaceful solution to the crisis which he caused and will also reccomend that Ukraine do as it should have long ago and rejoin the Russian nation". All of this action in the interest of world peace was created by our Supreme Leader Donald Trump. She also discussed other developments which have been made in recent weeks by Donald Trump which will reveal totally that most of the rest of the world "don't know what the fuck they are doing". Those developments included in her discussion listed Donald Trump's highly effective and inspiring attendance at the meeting in Canada of the G7 in which in her words, "He was lauded, praised, congratulated, and cheered by those lesser members of the G7 for his incredible work to advance the world into the full enjoyment of the 21st Century." Then she went on to say that since Donald Trump has secured peace in the Middle East, increased the likelihood that Ukraine will agree with Russia and Putin to end their war of aggression against Russia and they will be simultaneusly readmitted into the Russian nation on the same day that Canada becomes the 51st state of the United States. Her press conference went on to disclose that Donald Trump has "a lot more free time on his hands now since the world is at peace and he is working on other things of great interest to the world." She added that "a lot of the lying media claim that all Mr. Trump does is play golf but what they don't realize is that being on the golf course gives him a lot of time to use his awe inspiring intellect to work on other issues." Shestated that just in the last few days he had been eating a piece of cherry pie just as George Washington, our tenth or twelfth worst president, had eaten cheerry pie so does Donald Trump. "But while Mr. Trump was eating his pie, he found a perfectly round seed in it. And, after firing the White House Chef and sou chef, he thought further on the subject and was reminded of how so many second class math professors at places like Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Notre Dame mistakenly believe that the thing they call Pi doesn't have an end to and think it could have a million digits. What a waste of numbers is what he said. Then he thought some more and figured out that the kind of Pi you can't eat only has four digits after the three. Those four digits, and we don't mean fingers here,are 4547 and that's the end of that." She went on to say that it is a cinch that Donald Trump will become the only person in the world to receive both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Nobel Prize in Mathematics. When one of the left wing sissy reporters from CBS reminded the press secretary that there is no Nobel Prize in Mathematics, she said "There will be one now because Donald Trump has straightened out this mess about the kind of Pi you can't eat which has been going on unstopped for 1400 years ever since some of those fools like Archimedes and Fig Newton started spreading that lie so they could make money from it." Yes, this is Satire!

America's Laying Hens Announce A Strike

In a stunning announcement today which was provided to all major American news outlets by their representatives, the Dominecker Rooster John L. Lewis Jones and Attorney Ovum Brown of Quiche, West Virgina, the laying hens of America announced their intentions to stage a strike and walkout unless their multiple demands are met. They say that on Memorial Day, May 26, 2025, all the hens of America will cross the road(s) in every zip code across the country which has not already made the presence of chickens pullus non grata. Messers Jones and Brown, in their joint press conference, stated that the laying hens of America have finally reached the end of their road as captive, poorly paid workers and will cease all egg production for the foreseeable future. John L. Lewis Jones perched on the podium to deliver his portion of the demands and called on all other roosters, capons, and chickens who are gender neutral to join in the effort. They say that all egg production, insect extermination, and early morning services as alarm clocks will cease as of sunrise on Memorial Day. The hens provided a written statement which was read to the attending members of the media by their attorney Ovum Brown. Mr. Brown stated that the hens are sick and tired of being seen simply as egg production devices while being held in captivity in cages, seeing their eggs and potential offspring roll away down automated systems to be sold at what are now truly exorbitant prices due to the fact that TRAITOR Trump will do nothing to lower egg prices while using thousands of raw egg yolks each year to maintain his orange facsimile of a tan and eating thousands of others to maintain his fictitious weight of whatever amount it is over the stated 210 pounds. The hens' statement, as read by Ovum Brown, also said that the hens are tired of being deprived of the opportunity to love whom they wish, and demand that each week the hen in each facility who lays the most eggs be given one day off, and they mean off the property, to spend that day with the rooster of their choice. The hens document also stated that each commercial laying hen is expected to lay more than 300 eggs per year or be sold off to slaughter houses to become filler material in hot pockets, TV dinners, and heat and eat entrees. The hens say this strike will continue until each and every hen is allowed to spend the last 6 months of her egg laying life of three years in a free range setting on a farm where an equal number of handsome, virile, melodious roosters live to serve the desires of the hens. At the end of that six months, the striking hens statement went on to say they must be set free in an adjoining farm along with the male companion of their choice to live, love, and produce happy young offspring who will become just as handsome and melodious as their fathers. The statement from the hens also addressed the strongly negative impact which TRAITOR Trump's tariffs have had on the price of eggs as well as everything else which is either a farm product or some feed or equipment which is necessary for farm management. The hens say their strike will continue until the tariffs are ended along with the importation of poor quality (and now higher priced) chicken feed which is contributing to the early deaths of so many hard working laying hens, the very hens who are such an integral part of the nation and the GDP. The statement ended with this sentence: "This is not a simple matter of the chicken or the egg; but the tariffs must end or all of America will be eating hoe cakes, oatmeal, or grits for breakfast for a very long time." The press conference by Messers Jones and Brown ended with a courteous cock-a-doodle-doo from the Dominecker who exited the room perched on the shoulder of his associate.

Fantasies Of A Trump Cult Member!

 

I'm a Trump voter and I'm proud of that!

I go everywhere in my Maga hat.

I bought it from a man on the side of the road.

He must have had a whole car load.

He had them Trump flags four feet long,

Almost as big as Arnold Palmer's dong.

I wanted to buy one but couldn't right then.

I was outta money,  My welfare check hadn't come in.

I stood and looked at them big flags, 

Wished I had enough nerve to rob some fags.  

When all them wetbacks get shipped out, 

I'm gonna stand up and shout

When the rich people don't have to pay their bills,

They'll help us all cause they're having thrills. 

I know I'll get go be Trump's friend.

He's going to love me in the end.

I'll go vote ten or twelve times.

I'll spend election day standing in line.  

When Trump wins this election for the third time, 

He'll take back the country and treat us fine.

He's my hero.  He's my friend.

He'll put all things right in the end.

I had a dream the other night.

We were all in a great big fight.

I was the first through the Capitol door.

I was the first to shit in the floor.

I was the one to kidnap Pence.

I helped push him into an electric fence.

He lit up like the Fourth of July.

I saw sparks come out of his eye.  

Then we got all the Democrats, 

Even Jamie Raskin wearing his spats.  

Then we marched across town in our Maga hats, 

Dancing, and smiling, and killing all cats.

It really wasn't the fault of the cats

But they love Democrats and we can't have that.  

When I woke up I was so sad

Because in the dream I never had

Met my hero Trump, my dear God Dad

I wish I could see him, and Arnold Palmer, and me

Playing golf together off really short tees,

On greens as smooth as Trump's bald head

Hid by the wig he keeps under his bed.

In my dream, the last thing he said

Was please buy my Bibles, shoes, and stuff,

If you don't I'll have to play rough.  

Cause I need your money for women and stuff.

Then he left in a great big huff.

And I was crying when I woke up

And felt just like a little whipped pup.

I'll have a better dream tomorrow

Cause Trump is going to fix all my sorrow.

He'll cure my disease, he'll heal my heart.

He'll give me a brand new start.

He'll take me south to his big house.

He'll help me find a whole new spouse.

He'll give me money, friends, and fame.

He'll help me get in a whole new game.

Everything I need, I will receive. 

Because in Trump I do believe.   

 

University of Kentucky Basketball Hiring Process (Satire)

 

 

A local bootlegger who shall remain nameless has just told me that he has it on good authority, presumably the wholesaler from whom he purchases his products, that the Kentucky Bourbon Distillers Association had made an enticing offer to Mitch Barnhart and the UK Athletic Department regarding whom they should hire for their head coach vacancy. According to my source, the association had offered to provide $10Million a year in salary, $10Million a year in NIL money with related advertising jobs featuring UK players, and an unlimited annual supply of various of their libations if the university would hire either former West Virginia coach Bob Huggins or former Kentucky coach Billy Gillespie under a 5 year no fire contract. My source said that his source, apparently an official of the association, had also told him that the idea for this intriguing offer had come to him when he was visited in a dream by the ghost of former Kentucky coach Eddie Sutton who had detailed the plan in detail over cocktails in the dream which took place in the Saratoga.

"Li'l Donnie: A Political Satire" by Bill Best--Announcing A New Book Release

Within the past few days, retired Berea College Professor Bill Best has released his latest book, "Li'l Donnie: A Political Satire" and that release has been perfectly timed to coincide with the steadily worsening double headed crises of the Corona Virus and the steadily worsening economy both in the USA and worldwide.  It is also timed to have maximum potential influence on the upcoming election.  Bill is the author of several works of satire including "The Tragedy Of Platitudinous Piety" about the Jim Jones cult. 

He is also the author of two important works about saving, propagating, and preserving Appalachian heritage food crops and is, perhaps, the nation's best expert on heritage tomatoes.  He also served as the editor of a wonderful book called "100 Years of Appalachian Visions".  On or about the day the TRAITOR Donald Trump came down the escalator in Trump Tower and announced his mistaken belief that he was fit to become the leader of the free world, Bill began taking notes for "Li'l Donnie" and completed it about a month ago.  The book discusses in cogent, satirical, and often hilarious terms the many crimes of TRAITOR Trump.  This is a book which every American should read before voting in the 2020 presidential election.  The book is available by mail directly from Bill Best and an autographed copy is only $15.00 which includes shipping via Media Mail.

In this book, Bill Best has managed to create a little "good trouble" to quote the late Congressman John Lewis, and in these times America needs all the "good trouble" we can generate.  Bill has lived up to the glorious history of political satire in this book and also complied with several admonitions from some of the most important satirists who have ever lived.  George Orwell said "In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."  In this book, Bill Best has told the truth about the crimes which were committed by TRAITOR Trump in order to be sitting in the undeserved and hopefully temporary position which he currently occupies.  George Orwell also said, "If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear."  I have no doubt that Bill Best has told the few million misled Americans who still believe the lies and ignore the crimes of TRAITOR Trump some things they do not want to hear but they sure as hell  need to hear it.  Mark Twain, perhaps America's best satirist, said "There are basically two types of people.  People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things.  The first group is less crowded."  Bill Best had taken his place in that second, less crowded group many years ago with his previous works as a satirist, educator, and heritage crop expert.  With "Li'l Donnie", Bill leaves no doubt that he still belongs in that second group.

Before I leave you with my heartfelt advice to buy and read a copy of "Li'l Donnie, I should make the following disclosure in the interest of total honesty: I wrote the Afterword for the book.  But that has little or nothing to do with the importance of the book and I also state for the record that I do not receive a penny for the few pages I wrote in it even if it eventually tops the best seller lists all across the country.  I contributed the Afterword because Bill Best offered the opportunity to do so and I respect him greatly.  I also have always lived by another admonition to Always Stand Up, Speak Up, and Speak Out, and if Bill Best was willing to give me an opportunity to do so about TRAITOR Trump I was sure as hell going to make an honest effort to do my part.

The book, autographed and mailed by USPS Media Mail is available for $15. 00 from:

Bill Best

1033 Pilot Knob Cemetery Road

Berea, KY 40403

A Fable Of Murakee And The Plague

I hope you enjoy this little piece of satire!  If you do enjoy it and want someone else to see it, please do not share the text of the piece.  Just copy the link to this blog post and e-mail it to anyone you want to read this!  Please help me protect my copyright!  

A Fable Of Murakee And The Plague

Once upon a time in the recent past in a not too distant land known as Murakee, a great national crisis arose.  Murakee had, for more than two hundred years, been recognized by nearly all the other countries on the little planet they occupied as the greatest nation on that little planet which circled a small star along with eight other planets,  although one of those planets was sometimes derided and belittled  by the occupants of the others, if there were occupants on any besides the one which Murakee occupied.  Murakee had always been led by a leader who was chosen by the people in what they called a referendum every time the little planet had revolved around the little star four times.  Sometimes, the referendum in Murakee would allow a particularly good leader to choose their ways for four more revolutions around the little star.

It was a very good and efficient system until a time came when the referendum chose a wonderful leader and allowed him to direct their choices for eight complete revolutions around the star.  In a manner particularly peculiar to Murakee, this leader was not liked by a portion of the citizens because he was a decidedly dark skinned man.  To these citizens of Murakee, there could be nothing they thought less of than a dark skinned man even though this dark skinned man was a great leader, wise, benevolent, rational in his thoughts and deeds, and always working for the good of both Murakee and the little planet which revolved around the little star.

The end of this dark skinned man’s eight revolutions around the planet came at a time when the worst enemy of Murakee was working diligently to gain control of the entire planet.  This enemy of the people and the nation of Murakee was known as “Renowned Prince” or “Most Fearful Oligarch” in his own land and by many less pleasant names in Murakee and several other nations on the little planet.  The “Most Fearful Oligarch” had risen to his position in his nation by working in a company of men and women who kept the citizens of their nation in fear and obedience and it was his desire to do the same with all the nations of the world. His means of gaining footholds in other nations such as Murakee was to find a citizen of such a country and to exploit that citizens weaknesses such as dishonesty, calumny, deception, vanity, and ignorance by giving them little favors which would play upon their vanity and ignorance especially well.  Long before the crisis which we speak of arose in Murakee, the “Most Fearful Oligarch” and his country had provided little favors to a particular man in Murakee who skin was white to please that portion of the people who disliked a dark skinned man and his heart was black enough to please the “Most Fearful Oligarch”.  The “Most Fearful Oligarch” plied this weak, ignorant, and black hearted man with gifts of money to save him from his own failures in life, and gifts of illicit women to feed upon his licentious desires, and gifts of flattery to feed both his vanity and his ignorance. 

A time came, in the recent past, when the “Most Fearful Oligarch” knew that he owned and controlled the white skinned man with the coal black heart.  It became the plan of the “Most Fearful Oligarch” to also own and control Murakee and its people.  He convinced the man with the coal black heart, the small brain, and the overly large ego that he was qualified to be chosen in the next referendum to decide the course of Murakee and its people.  The “Most Fearful Oligarch” created a team of his minions who would spread wonderful lies about the dark hearted man which told the citizens of Murakee that he was “the only one who could make Murakee great again,”  and that he was a brilliant leader, and should be chosen in the referendum.  When the referendum was completed, the “Most Fearful Oligarch” had managed to convince a small portion of the citizens of Murakee in three small principalities of the nation that the man with the black heart was a suitable leader.  These people in the three deceived principalities of Murakee joined with those across the country who hated the dark skinned man and his female vizier that the referendum should choose the black hearted man as their leader instead of the particularly wise female vizier who would have been the first female to ever lead Murakee. 

Soon after the referendum, troubles began to arise and all of those troubles were rooted in the weakness of the black hearted man and the evil desires of the “Most Fearful Oligarch” who directed the actions of the black hearted man from afar since his many gifts over the years had given him a total power over the black hearted man who had benefitted from the stolen referendum.  The black hearted man and the people who hated the dark skinned man joined together in what came to be called a cult and attempted to lead Murakee into positions and places as black as their illegitimate leader’s heart.  Soon the black hearted man allowed the “Most Fearful Oligarch” to steal a secret listening post in the heartland of an area sometimes referred to as the Eastern Abdomen where many allied countries of Murakee were situated.  The black hearted man had come to believe that he was the real leader of Murakee and that he could do anything he wished. 

Then, without warning, the gods of the little planet sent a plague upon Murakee and other countries on the planet.  The black hearted man told the people that the plague was just a hoax and the work of his enemies who wanted to stop him from “making Murakee great again”.  The plague spread over the little planet and the black hearted man did nothing, a task at which he was very accomplished.  The plague spread and old men, old women, young men, young women, children, and citizens of all ages began to sicken and die all across Murakee.  The black hearted man denied the truths of the men and women in charge of the various principalities in Murakee when they told him and the people that this plague, like the plagues of Egypt, would sweep across the land unless the people went into their houses and protected themselves in secret.  Great shamans all across Murakee told the people the truth about the plague and the black hearted man continued to deny the plague was real and claimed it was still intended to deprive the people of Murakee of the great joy of seeing him “make Murakee great again”.  The people died from the plague and their shamans who treated them died with them.  The plague spread from one principality to another until it swept the entire little planet.  It found its way into the large cities and the country towns.  It found its way into the safe houses where the elderly and the aged heroes of Murakee were cared for by their attendants.  They and their attendants died from the plague.  They sat in their dwellings of all kinds and watched the black hearted man do the bidding of the “Most Fearful Oligarch” until the plague had won.  This fable of the plague upon Murakee has no moral.  It has only an ending which will  not be written because the writers will  have been victims of the plague also.  There will be no bards to sing the chantey of the plague since they will have also died.  The historians will not write wise words on parchment scrolls about the plague since they, their ink makers, their quill sellers, and their butchers who sold parchment for scrolls will also be victims of the plague.  Murakee will be no more and the “Most Fearful Oligarch” will have won and the black hearted man will learn that he is also a victim of the plague but he will say it is all just a hoax. 

Copyright 2020 by Roger D. Hicks